“It’s really hard to solve a problem if I don’t know what the problem is”. This is something I’ve said at least 500 times in anger, desperation and defeat.

Kids do stuff they aren’t supposed to and then they lie about it. They just do. I never assumed the lies my child told me were indicative of maladaptive personality traits or deep-seated dishonesty. I didn’t see the lies she told me as a signal I was dealing with a sociopath or psychopath. I always assumed she was simply trying to protect herself. If she was lying to me to protect herself, that meant she didn’t trust me and this was something I needed to fix.

The lies she told me were my burden. That’s how I saw it.

Some kids, even when presented with irrefutable proof, will dig in and continue to hold firm to a lie. This can be incredibly triggering for some adults. Nevertheless, as an adult caregiver it is my job to help my child no matter what the situation is and that requires me to know what the hell has happened. The whole story. All of it. Okay, most of it. At least a good chunk of it. I needed to know things including ugly details that put my girl in a bad light because… I can’t solve a problem, if I don’t know what the problem is.

I created something I call “High Road / Low Road”. The application is more for me than her. It requires me to control myself and be self-aware. If I am on the High Road it means I’m prepared to hear a pile of absolute nonsense AND I will handle it with decorum and grace or something that resembles those things. What I will NOT do is fly off the handle. If I am on the Low Road, I will immediately get myself TO the High Road so I’m better prepared for a verbal sucker punch of some sort.

I started it out like this.

Me: From now on if you have a heavy secret* and you’re afraid to tell me the truth, ask me if I’m on the high road or the low road. If I’m on the high road, that means whatever you tell me I’m not going to freak out. If I say I’m on the high road, I’m telling the truth. If I say I’m on the low road, it means I’m not ready but I will get there.

Girly: Uhhh, sure. Whatever.

If you’ve not proven yourself to be trustworthy (yet), it’s to be expected your child won’t trust you right away.

If I could tell she was struggling with something, I would point out to her that I was on the High Road so she could tell me. For a while, I basically got choppy pieces of information and had to piece things together. (This isn’t always because there’s lying afoot, many children struggle with sequencing and recanting an event can be difficult so, be patient). She did eventually trust me though.

Me: What’s wrong?

Girly: Nothing.

Me: Obviously something is wrong.

Girly: I’m fine.

Me: I’m on the High Road. Just tell me.

Girly: [pause}

Sometime, pauses aren’t a closed door. Sometimes a pause is just a pause and you need to wait a bit.

For the first several weeks, I would point out that I was on the High Road to her in an effort to get information out of her. Then, after a while, she began approaching me asking me what road I was on.

Girly: Emmy?

Me: Yes?

Girly: What road are you on?

Me: I’m on the high road, what’s up?

This was an enormous accomplishment. She was seeking ME out to tell me something important that’s weighing her down.

Girly: Emmy?

Me: What?

Girly: What road are you on?

Me:…

Me: I’m on the Low Road. Give me a minute.

Early on, she tested me. She would ask me what road I was on and tell me things that really were not that big of a deal. There were times when she told the truth and there needed to be consequences. Once, she was in trouble at school for something and I had to go up there for a meeting. I was not pleased. I told her I needed to know everything, including the stuff she had done wrong. She was reluctant.

Me: If I got into that meeting believing you and they produce a video or something that proves you were the problem all along, I’m going to have a big problem. I want the truth, the ugly truth. I don’t care how ugly it is. You know why? I can spin the truth… I can’t spin a lie. Do not send me into that meeting with bad information. Don’t make me look like a fool. I can protect you with the truth. I can’t protect you with a lie.

She did admit to role in that event.

If your child asks what road you are on, curiosity should come to the forefront. Another thing that should be there is pride that your child has chosen to seek you out to unload a heavy secret* instead of letting it fester. This is no small thing. A kid that struggles with lying that is willing to engage and attempt to be truthful is an enormous thing and it should be seen that way.

If you’re having trouble pulling yourself together from the Low Road in a reasonable amount of time, you’ll need to sort that out. If you need professional help doing that, get some. If you need to apply some quickly calming techniques, do it. You are an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from. Your child has neither.

*I will be doing a post that explains what a heavy secret is compared to a regular secret… and the damage a heavy secret can cause.