My Girly was five years old when stealing became a problem that needed attention. She was in kindergarten and her teacher called to tell me Girly had been caught trying to steal money out of her purse. I was angry. I was embarrassed. I had to do something.

I gave her a stern lecture and maybe did a dumb time-out.  I probably yelled a bit. 

Not long after, a class photo was taken and off in the corner of the photo, there’s Girly stealing candy out of a jar instead of participating with class.  I was angry again.  And embarrassed.  I had to do something. 

I gave her another lecture and applied some other ineffective punishment.  There was probably some yelling involved. 

Things continued on this trajectory. It was pretty clear that my young Girly was becoming a chronic thief. Each time, I amped up the punishment. I’m not big on spanking but it was the one behavior she got a deliberate spanking for. She needed to “learn a lesson”. I needed to really make an impression. She was only 6 years old so I really needed to get head of this otherwise she would end up in prison! She truly seemed remorseful and she really didn’t like being spanked. She hated the whole spanking thing so much I was sure it would stop this unwanted behavior.

I was wrong.

She stole something again.

I applied the same spanking with a layer of loss of privileges.  I’m sure there was some yelling on my part. 

I was so sure this was the time things were going to turn around.

Then, she stole again.

As an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from, I realized (not so) quickly these punishments weren’t going to work but I was at a loss as to what to do. If a punishment was going to be effective, it would of done the job but that wasn’t the case. I needed a plan.

I thought about it for a couple of days.  Finally, I decided to take the position that she simply didn’t know how not to steal something so, I would teach her.  Maybe she just needed to be shown how NOT to steal something. It was very simplistic but it certainly couldn’t hurt to try that approach.  I needed a clever way to package things.  I called it “Blink of Time”. 

Me:  There is a blink of time right before you steal something when you can make a different decision.  The trick is to catch it.  I’m going to try to teach you how to do it.

Girly: [glaring at me]

We went to a local drug store that seemed to be a bit of a trigger for her and I asked her to show me what she’d want to steal. She was eyeballing colorful lip glosses. I patiently waited for her to make a selection as I casually looked around in the other direction.  It was taking a bit long for her to pick something so I turned to her to ask her what she was thinking.  I noticed she was visibly distressed. She was kind of shuffling from one foot to the other and the look on her face made it pretty clear she was struggling.

Me:  Do you want to go?

Girly:  Yes.

We left. 

This told me that anxiety was playing a role. Armed with that, I thought on the whole thing a bit longer.  I still didn’t have a plan but at least I felt I had more information to work with. 

During this time, life in general was pretty stressful for both of us.  When I picked her up from school, this was a normal conversation between us that MANY parents and caregiver can relate to. 

Me: How was your day?

Girly: Fine.

Me: What did you do?

Girly: Nothing.

Every. Damn. Day.

I would get frustrated and accuse her of not communicating.  Exasperated, I complained aloud about her unwillingness to discuss her day. 

A couple of days after I introduced the Blink of Time thing, as I was driving her to school I gave her a Blink of Time assignment.  I asked her to keep track of all the things she wanted to steal at school that day but stopped herself.  Then, I wanted her to tell me about those things when I picked her up.   

For the record, I had very low expectations.  As a matter of fact, this idea for her to keep track in her head of the items was something I casually thought of suddenly so I really didn’t expect much especially considering our typical after school Q&A. 

That afternoon, the minute she hopped in the car she excitedly listed off all the things she wanted up steal, but didn’t. It was a long list. The length of the list was a bit alarming but I shut that alarm bell down and instead focused on her amazing success — because it was amazing.  

She’d done it. She applied an intervention and succeeded.  I was so incredibly proud of her and I told her so.  I made a big deal in the car praising her and being totally in awe.  When I saw a little grin of self-satisfaction on her face, I knew she felt a sense of pride inside herself. 

From then on, the pick-up from school questions were much different.  I started adding more questions – that were more specific. 

What did you have for lunch?

Who did you sit by?

What was the best part of your day?

What was the worst part of your day?

Did you help anyone?

Did anyone help you?

These very specific questions opened up a lot of genuine conversation between us.  She could elaborate easily.  I could ask her what she thought about this or that.  Once topic could quickly lead to another topic.  Occasionally, she even asked me those questions.  The whole time I was lamenting about her unwillingness to talk to me about her day had been my failing, not hers. 

The reality is, most kids steal stuff at some point. Plenty of adults do too but it is still really triggering for many parents and caregivers when their children steal.  My girl had been capable of change the entire time – but the burden was mine to reach her.  She was capable of using tools, as long as they were given to her and giving them to her was my job.

After using Blink of Time a while, the stealing stopped almost completely.  She would still tell me when she randomly wanted to steal something but didn’t.  The only time the behavior presented itself was during trigger times of the year so I would watch her closely.  When she did steal something, she left the evidence in plain sight.  I called leaving evidence around “subconsciously on purpose”. She didn’t want to be caught exactly but stealing is a heavy secret that has to be dealt with.  I took the position that her leaving evidence in plain sight was her way to get some support. 

It took a months, maybe even a year or more but eventually, the stealing stopped completely. I still never really understood the behavior though or where it came from. Long after the behavior stopped, I would occasionally think about it. Eventually, I settled on this theory; an infant that received inconsistent care isn’t wired to know the difference between a need and want – they feel equally urgent. There are some adults and children that steal for the thrill of getting away with it. There are some adults and children that steal for legitimate reasons (medicine, food, a gift for someone, school supplies, etc.). Knowing the reason behind the behavior helps figure out an appropriate intervention. The trick is to design and intervention that can be used as a tool… and then pass that on to the child so they can use it.