It was fourth grade.  Overall, things had been going pretty well but I could feel the tension in the air that morning.  Things were just off.  It was a trigger time of year.  I knew some shit was going to pop off soon. 

That afternoon, the school popped up on my caller ID.  I answered it.  It was the principal.  I could hear other adults in the room and Girly in background refusing to get on the phone.  “NO!”  I think she may have been knocking stuff off the principal’s desk (but I didn’t ask).  When someone managed to get the receiver into Girly’s hand, she promptly hung up on me.  A few seconds later, my cell rang again.

I quickly told whatever adult on the phone to pass along the same message to Girly I always passed along.

“Tell her I’m not mad at her, I just want to talk to her”.

I heard the adult repeat words.  A few moments of silence. 

“Hi Emmy”.

Her voice was flat and low and calm kind of angry which was rather unusual. 

I started with my regular script.

Me:  What’s going on?

Girly:….

Me:  It sounds like everyone is pretty worked up.

Girly:…

Me:  Uhh, are you okay?

Girly: [unintelligible whispering]

Me:  What?

Girly:  [continuing to whisper weirdly into the phone]

I stopped talking and listened.

. 

Then, I heard it.    

Girly:  I haaaate you.  I haaaate you.  I haaaaate you.

I laughed a little, I genuinely couldn’t help myself. 

Me:  You hate me?  What I’d do?  I’m trying to help!  I’m on your side. 

She stopped whispering. 

Suddenly, I froze.  I got her to stop whispering she hated me.  She wasn’t knocking stuff around.  It was quiet. 

Now what?

I asked her where she was, what room, who was in there with her.  She answered me but her tone was still… cold and steady.  I needed to get the tone of her voice to change to something lighter.  I kept talking to her —  not about the incident.  I talked about her prior successes, I explained her emotions were going wonky, I told her I still loved her and made sure she knew this wasn’t going to be the end of life as we know it. 

Me:  I’m on your side.  Do you know that?

Girly:  Yeah.

Me:  Are you going to be okay?

Girly:  Yeah. 

Her tone was a bit lighter, finally. 

She was in one of those resource rooms.  I asked her if they had a trampoline she could use. 

Girly:  Yeah.

Me:  Is anyone using it?

Girly:  No.

Me:  Are you allowed to use it?

Girly:  Yeah. 

Me:  Okay, go jump on that and burn off some of that energy!

Girly:  Okay Emmy!  Bye!

Me:  Love you!

Girly:  Love you too!

Her tone was normal again.  Happy, light, sing-song.

She handed the teacher or an aide the phone and before she got on the phone with me I heard her tell Girly to wait, they needed to talk about what happened.  I hollered into the phone to get the attention of the adult – “No!  Not yet”!  I knew it was imperative that Girly do the jumping activity immediately.  I had her on the right trajectory and I didn’t want her to get derailed.  At this juncture, I still didn’t really know what happened yet but a corner had been turned and I didn’t want to see it get blown up.  I knew after she jumped a while and based on the tone of her voice she’d be okay. 

Later that evening, she admitted the student she choked hadn’t done anything to deserved it.  They were rivals and made each other bristly.  She said he was standing too close to her and she snapped.  While she was choking him, the color of his face changed to purple and red and she let go.  Adults were trying to pull her off him but she said she was the one that made the decision to stop.  It was very upsetting for the other child and the adults involved.  They were genuinely scared.  Girly seemed genuinely remorseful.    

Me:  What could you have done differently?*

Girly:  Asked for help.

There were natural consequences Girly had to deal with.  The parent of the other child was understandably upset.  The child she choked brought it up continuously for a few years.  Other kids talked about.  Adults she was fond of were a bit wary of her for a while.  I could not do anything about those things, only she could and it would take time.  I made a legal inquiry because I was worried the other parent was going to insist on pressing charges. 

It was important to me that she focused on the natural consequences rather than being in trouble with me.  No matter what, I wanted her to known I was on her side.  I didn’t condone her behavior but I still loved her and I wanted her to know that.  I also didn’t want to be on the top of the focus food chain; I wanted the victim and her own behavior to have that spot.  The thing that seemed to bother her the most was that she knew he hadn’t done anything to deserve it.  Despite being rivals, in this instance, he was blameless.   Yes, he’d been poking at her but her response was unjustified and she understood that. 

Me:  We can’t control other people, but we can control how we respond to them.  We have choices.

For many years having choices or being able to choose a response was an abstract concept for Girly.  It required a lot of practice.  These days, she’s quite friendly with that other student and  there has never been another physical altercation between them.   

*This question is so important, it is going to get its own post.