“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” -Fred Rogers

“Children need the freedom and time to play. Play is not a luxury. Play is a necessity.” -Kay Redfield Jamison

“Play gives children a chance to practice what they are learning.” -Mr. Rogers

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” -Leo F. Buscaglia

“Play is so integral to childhood that a child who does not have the opportunities to play is cut off from a major portion of childhood.” -Musselwhite

I have watched Girly play with her therapist more times than I can count.

Her therapist explained to me what was happening. I kind of understood what she was saying on the surface but I didn’t truly get it in a deep meaningful way.

Hopefully, you already have a therapist that understands trauma and attachment on board (if you need one).  If you do, you probably go into therapy with your child and watch your child and the therapist play with stuff.  Maybe a sand tray.  Puppets.  Games.  Toys. Art supplies. 

Sometimes you’re part of everything, sometimes you’re just observing.  It seems I spent a lot of time observing the therapist and Girly play with particular toys frequently; a dollhouse and Playmobil people and accessories. Girly was often a risk taking daughter / sister, the therapist played all the other characters and interjected intermittently asking questions or pointing something out.

Watching her play with her therapist as long as I had, you’d think I would have figured out what was going on. The therapist tried to explain things to me. I understood on a basic level but not a deep one.

Not only didn’t I really understand what was going on, I didn’t truly understand the value of it.  It’s like I knew it was valuable but I was missing something.

I tried to recreate at home what was happening in therapy.  I spent a small fortune buying the same types of toys she gravitated to in therapy.  She’s barely played with them at home.  They are the first toys she heads for in therapy but at home, they are just being stored in a big box.  But, even when we did play with them together at home, it generally ended in frustration. 

I had no clue what my characters were supposed to say or do.  My brain would scramble around trying to figure out the right direction to go.  It was mentally and emotionally taxing. I felt ridiculous, confused, stupid and our sessions were mostly failures.

Despite having a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from, it took me a VERY long time to ask the therapist one simple question that changed everything.

They were playing a typical scenario out on the floor having a nice time. Her therapist just doing what she does — effortlessly.

Hiding my exasperation, desperation and what felt were obvious mental shortcomings, I blurted out the question that changed everything.

Me:  How do you know what your character is supposed to say?

Therapist: Ask.

Me:…

Therapist: The child always knows what to say. 

I was stunned. I was skeptical.  It seemed too easy.  Nothing was that easy. 

Ask.  Seriously?

The next day, I let Girly dictate what we played with instead of busting out that big box of Playmobil stuff. We started with the Donkey puppet (he has a fully developed personality). We ended up doing a lot of role playing mostly. The same scenario over and over and over.

When I didn’t know what I was supposed to say or do, I asked.

There hasn’t been one instance Girly didn’t immediately know what she wanted me to say or do.

Not one.

I would report back to the therapist what things we were playing out and get some input or direction.

Girly had a comfort object; Blankie.  Blankie was a fixture in our lives.  Just a raggedy, pastel receiving blanket.  I think it was made of a polyester blend.  It wasn’t soft.  It was usually dirty and smelled. It went everywhere with us.  She couldn’t sleep without it.  It calmed her down when she was worked up.  She would sniff it and rub it on her face to soothe herself.

Blankie became a big part of our role playing together. 

This is the basic idea; the child writes, directs and stars in the production.  You follow instructions.  If you are required to play multiple characters, you do it.  If you’re required to say certain lines, you say them.  If you don’t know what to say or do, ask.

It is simple but it can get tricky. 

Girly was always herself.  I was assigned mulitpe roles. I was usually “mom” or “myself” or “another adult” or “a mom’s boyfriend”.

At one point, we played the same scenario over and over for weeks. I was usualy mom taking her Blankie away to give to her boyfriend or to sell for money.  Sometimes, I was the boyfriend.  Sometimes, I specifically stole Blankie, wrapped it up as a gift and gave to “Mom”.  Girly was forced to watch as her beloved Blankie was given to another, bringing happiness to everyone but her.  Eventually, “Myself” started showing up to defend Girly and demanding the Blankie be returned to Girly. 

Mom or Boyfriend usually snatched Blankie away easily from Girly.  As time went on, Girly started holding onto it tighter.  This was so subtle, I didn’t even notice it at first.  Then one day, she really held onto it.  I fought back and managed to get it away from her.

This was a mistake on my part. 

Thankfully, my fully formed brain pushed me to ask the therapist about the struggle.

Therapist:  Let her keep it.  Let her win. 

SO SIMPLE OMG.  Why am I so stupid?

So, that’s what I did.  The next time we played that scenario, I let her win.  I let her bask in the glory of her accomplishment.  For so long, she’d failed against the forces against her but now, she prevailed.  “Myself” praised her.  We ganged up against those intent on taking from her — and Girly was finally free.

Therapist (not verbatim, I wish I could remember exactly what she said):  There are always tiny differences in each play session, try to notice them. Try to figure out what the changes represent from a healing perspective.  There are times you can interject.  Tell her how you think a character might feel during a situation. 

Once Girly had successfully won Blankie back from the forces against her, the play scenario changed quite a lot.  It was like that particular issue was resolved so it was time to move onto another.

Things got darker (which was unexpected).

Girly:  You’re “Mommy”.  Punch me in the face and knock my teeth out.

Me:  Uhh, no, I don’t think I want to do that.

Girly:  You have to do it.

She didn’t waver. She said it with determination, a slight grin and a little sparkle in her eye.

I was uncomfortable about the whole thing (and said so) but she calls the shots so I did it.  I pretended to punch her in the face, knock her teeth out.  I told her how awful that must be for a child to go through that, how unfair it is, how sad it made me feel. 

We only did that one particular scenario once but it really stuck with me.  It was so specific and dark (and never actually happened to her). She was thrilled with my performace.  She even told me I’d done a great job. 

Another scene we played sometimes was a foster home where kids were being adopted. I was the mean lady that ran the orphanange. I was also the adoptee hopeful adults. I may have been another child at times. Girly was never actually adopted but there were many times where the adopting hopefuls were going to return the next day (that was the end of the scene so it was always open ended like that). Sometimes Girly was hidden away from the adoptee hopefuls. She wasn’t allowed to present herself like the other girls were. She was sort of a Cinderella.

So many times during all of this, I truly had no idea what my character was supposed to say.

As instructed by the therapist, I asked.

Me [breaking charater] what do I say?

With absolutely no hesitation, without skipping a beat – Girly always knew EXACTLY what she wanted my character to say.  There was not ONE instance she didn’t know immediately what direction she wanted things to go in.  There was not ONE instance she had to think about what my character was supposed to say. 

Asking what my character was supposed to say made playing INFINITELY easier. The stress of trying to figure out the right or wrong thing to say was completely gone. Play became productive. Fun. Interesting. I could exercise curiosity instead of wasting time trying to figure out what I was supposed to say or do. I learned the right places to stop and ask questions or interject information. I disccuses alternate scenarios with her. I would ask if we could try something and she allowed it. Overall, the bulk of our play was just role playing. Sometimes with puppets and stuffed animals. Sometimes I was Dolly (the nice English lady) being arrested by immigration. That scene would create a lot of real crying and Dolly would remain calm and offer advice. There were so many scenes we played out over a couple of years it is hard to remember them all.

Sometimes it was situation specific like something happened at school and we played it out (in her own way). I always just went along with it, a curious, willing participant to spend some truly productive time with someone I love.

We would play in the evenings after we were done with dinner, showers, duties for the evening so we wouldn’t be distracted.  There were times we did it almost every night… for months.  A session would last between 30 minutes and an hour.  We usually sat on the couch. Sometimes on the floor or on my bed.

There were days the moment we got home from work and school, she’d ask if we could play. This told me she was grappling with something that happened at school or something was bothering her. We did it so frequently, she learned to rely on it. She wasn’t desperate to keep going and going and going because she knew playing was available regularly. There were times when I was pretty tired and I asked to cut it short. She allowed it.

I could not go into playing with an attitude or being crabby. Whatever was gnawing at me had to be set aside so it woudn’t interfere with this very important job of playing. I treated the time with value, it was important. After a while, I would ask each time if I’d done a good job. I had. She was always pleased with my performance. I would genuinely feel proud of myself.

When quarantine began, our play sessions stopped abruptly. If I offered, she declined.

She didn’t NEED it anymore. That phase of healing came to an abrupt end (and moved on to another phase).

Playing is how she grappled with the darkness inside her — and healed it. I was just along for the ride. I got really good at it after a while once I learned to be in a supportive role. Play is how she actually touched her trauma and rearranged it.

For so long, I didn’t know what my characters were supposed to say or do. All I needed to do was get out of her way — and ask.