The Color Chart

| thefeatherfish

Asking my little girl why she did something or what she was feeling wasn’t a very useful activity on my part.  She wasn’t purposely being difficult or withholding information but it certainly could be (and often was) perceived that way.  The reality was, she didn’t know how to answer those kinds of questions.  She simply didn’t have the vocabulary or understanding to string a bunch of words together into a coherent verbal response. 

I am an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences.  I know what anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, jealousy and a host of other emotions feel like and I can appropriately label them.  Not all kids can do that.  During early development, NO child can do it.   It’s a learned thing that becomes a skill and it takes practice. 

There’s a good reason many doctors use a chart with faces to ask children how they are feeling. 

What she COULD tell me was “where” she felt something in her body.  She could articulate that she felt things in her stomach  She could say “my chest” or point to it.  Stomach and chest were the most common but sometimes her answer was her neck or head.  Knowing “where” she felt something was helpful but I didn’t know where to go from there to help her process feelings that were seemingly “stuck” in her body.  

I created a color chart and put it on the refrigerator.  Heavy paper, acrylic paint, wide horizontal lines.  Each color represented a feeling.  It was a spectrum.  She chose what color goes with which feeling. The happiest color went on top, the unhappiest color at the bottom.  We each had our own little magnet.  A few times a day, we’d go to the chart and put our magnet on a corresponding color that matched our feeling.  Looking at the chart, I would think about it and articulate my thoughts aloud.

Me:  I don’t know, I think I’m a blue but maybe I’m closer to a green.

Then, I’d place my magnet on green.  After a while, I found myself putting my magnet on the line between two colors almost all of the time. 

I would ask Girly what color she was or she would simply offer it up (after we were using it for a while).  There were many times she’d announce she was a yellow or pink, place the magnet but it was obviously she was definitely not that high up on the chart. 

Me:  Are you SURE you’re yellow?  You don’t seem yellow. 

She would think about it and then move her magnet to a lower color that seemed accurate.  There were times I’d be in the kitchen and she’d wander up to the chart and slap the magnet on a darker color.  I would stop what I was doing and make an inquiry.  Asking her, “What’s wrong?” never got me anywhere.  A typical inquiry was a usually a waste of time so I changed my approach.

Me:  Oh, you’re at the bottom.  How can we get you up to at least a green? 

Choosing a color that matches a feeling is a very simple activity.  It’s so simplistic it almost seems pointless but it was actually pretty helpful.  It was also very easy to use the color chart.  Choosing a color that matched her feeling helped her identify and directly confront a feeling.  Asking her what could be done to move her up higher on the chart gave her a goal.  Very often the very act of checking in with herself emotionally was enough to bump that magnet up a color or two.  I made sure I modeled the behavior I wanted to see by using the chart.  After a while, I found her joining me in colors that she wasn’t feeling.     

Me:  Ugh, I am totally at black right now and I don’t even know why. 

Me:  [moving magnet to black]

Me:  What color are you right now?

Girly: I’m black too.

Me:  Hmm.  Are you sure?   

Girly: [moves magnet up to green]

Talking about feelings acknowledges them, assigning them a color that can move seemed to give Girly a sense of power over them.  The color being on the “outside” created a distance that kind of defanged harsher emotions.  I could have used something other than colors. I could have used weather patterns, numbers, animals, or even that standard pain chart with the faces some doctors use.  I picked colors because I have a lot of painting supplies and making it was something we could do together.    

I think it was really important that I used the chart with her rather than just expecting her to use it by herself.  I had my dad make me a couple of color charts that were big magnets and gave them to a few people.  I made sure I included a little magnet for everyone that lived in the home and encouraged them all (including the adults) to use the chart, not just the children.  I did feel silly using the chart at first but it really did help open to door to identifying, discussing and processing feelings. 

The color chart is still on our refrigerator.  The corners dog-eared, the sides word and curled with a few rips.  We haven’t used it in a long time but it still there if we need it. 

STEALING (and how I got it to stop…)

| thefeatherfish

My Girly was five years old when stealing became a problem that needed attention. She was in kindergarten and her teacher called to tell me Girly had been caught trying to steal money out of her purse. I was angry. I was embarrassed. I had to do something.

I gave her a stern lecture and maybe did a dumb time-out.  I probably yelled a bit. 

Not long after, a class photo was taken and off in the corner of the photo, there’s Girly stealing candy out of a jar instead of participating with class.  I was angry again.  And embarrassed.  I had to do something. 

I gave her another lecture and applied some other ineffective punishment.  There was probably some yelling involved. 

Things continued on this trajectory. It was pretty clear that my young Girly was becoming a chronic thief. Each time, I amped up the punishment. I’m not big on spanking but it was the one behavior she got a deliberate spanking for. She needed to “learn a lesson”. I needed to really make an impression. She was only 6 years old so I really needed to get head of this otherwise she would end up in prison! She truly seemed remorseful and she really didn’t like being spanked. She hated the whole spanking thing so much I was sure it would stop this unwanted behavior.

I was wrong.

She stole something again.

I applied the same spanking with a layer of loss of privileges.  I’m sure there was some yelling on my part. 

I was so sure this was the time things were going to turn around.

Then, she stole again.

As an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from, I realized (not so) quickly these punishments weren’t going to work but I was at a loss as to what to do. If a punishment was going to be effective, it would of done the job but that wasn’t the case. I needed a plan.

I thought about it for a couple of days.  Finally, I decided to take the position that she simply didn’t know how not to steal something so, I would teach her.  Maybe she just needed to be shown how NOT to steal something. It was very simplistic but it certainly couldn’t hurt to try that approach.  I needed a clever way to package things.  I called it “Blink of Time”. 

Me:  There is a blink of time right before you steal something when you can make a different decision.  The trick is to catch it.  I’m going to try to teach you how to do it.

Girly: [glaring at me]

We went to a local drug store that seemed to be a bit of a trigger for her and I asked her to show me what she’d want to steal. She was eyeballing colorful lip glosses. I patiently waited for her to make a selection as I casually looked around in the other direction.  It was taking a bit long for her to pick something so I turned to her to ask her what she was thinking.  I noticed she was visibly distressed. She was kind of shuffling from one foot to the other and the look on her face made it pretty clear she was struggling.

Me:  Do you want to go?

Girly:  Yes.

We left. 

This told me that anxiety was playing a role. Armed with that, I thought on the whole thing a bit longer.  I still didn’t have a plan but at least I felt I had more information to work with. 

During this time, life in general was pretty stressful for both of us.  When I picked her up from school, this was a normal conversation between us that MANY parents and caregiver can relate to. 

Me: How was your day?

Girly: Fine.

Me: What did you do?

Girly: Nothing.

Every. Damn. Day.

I would get frustrated and accuse her of not communicating.  Exasperated, I complained aloud about her unwillingness to discuss her day. 

A couple of days after I introduced the Blink of Time thing, as I was driving her to school I gave her a Blink of Time assignment.  I asked her to keep track of all the things she wanted to steal at school that day but stopped herself.  Then, I wanted her to tell me about those things when I picked her up.   

For the record, I had very low expectations.  As a matter of fact, this idea for her to keep track in her head of the items was something I casually thought of suddenly so I really didn’t expect much especially considering our typical after school Q&A. 

That afternoon, the minute she hopped in the car she excitedly listed off all the things she wanted up steal, but didn’t. It was a long list. The length of the list was a bit alarming but I shut that alarm bell down and instead focused on her amazing success — because it was amazing.  

She’d done it. She applied an intervention and succeeded.  I was so incredibly proud of her and I told her so.  I made a big deal in the car praising her and being totally in awe.  When I saw a little grin of self-satisfaction on her face, I knew she felt a sense of pride inside herself. 

From then on, the pick-up from school questions were much different.  I started adding more questions – that were more specific. 

What did you have for lunch?

Who did you sit by?

What was the best part of your day?

What was the worst part of your day?

Did you help anyone?

Did anyone help you?

These very specific questions opened up a lot of genuine conversation between us.  She could elaborate easily.  I could ask her what she thought about this or that.  Once topic could quickly lead to another topic.  Occasionally, she even asked me those questions.  The whole time I was lamenting about her unwillingness to talk to me about her day had been my failing, not hers. 

The reality is, most kids steal stuff at some point. Plenty of adults do too but it is still really triggering for many parents and caregivers when their children steal.  My girl had been capable of change the entire time – but the burden was mine to reach her.  She was capable of using tools, as long as they were given to her and giving them to her was my job.

After using Blink of Time a while, the stealing stopped almost completely.  She would still tell me when she randomly wanted to steal something but didn’t.  The only time the behavior presented itself was during trigger times of the year so I would watch her closely.  When she did steal something, she left the evidence in plain sight.  I called leaving evidence around “subconsciously on purpose”. She didn’t want to be caught exactly but stealing is a heavy secret that has to be dealt with.  I took the position that her leaving evidence in plain sight was her way to get some support. 

It took a months, maybe even a year or more but eventually, the stealing stopped completely. I still never really understood the behavior though or where it came from. Long after the behavior stopped, I would occasionally think about it. Eventually, I settled on this theory; an infant that received inconsistent care isn’t wired to know the difference between a need and want – they feel equally urgent. There are some adults and children that steal for the thrill of getting away with it. There are some adults and children that steal for legitimate reasons (medicine, food, a gift for someone, school supplies, etc.). Knowing the reason behind the behavior helps figure out an appropriate intervention. The trick is to design and intervention that can be used as a tool… and then pass that on to the child so they can use it.

LYING (and how I made it stop most of the time…)

| thefeatherfish

“It’s really hard to solve a problem if I don’t know what the problem is”. This is something I’ve said at least 500 times in anger, desperation and defeat.

Kids do stuff they aren’t supposed to and then they lie about it. They just do. I never assumed the lies my child told me were indicative of maladaptive personality traits or deep-seated dishonesty. I didn’t see the lies she told me as a signal I was dealing with a sociopath or psychopath. I always assumed she was simply trying to protect herself. If she was lying to me to protect herself, that meant she didn’t trust me and this was something I needed to fix.

The lies she told me were my burden. That’s how I saw it.

Some kids, even when presented with irrefutable proof, will dig in and continue to hold firm to a lie. This can be incredibly triggering for some adults. Nevertheless, as an adult caregiver it is my job to help my child no matter what the situation is and that requires me to know what the hell has happened. The whole story. All of it. Okay, most of it. At least a good chunk of it. I needed to know things including ugly details that put my girl in a bad light because… I can’t solve a problem, if I don’t know what the problem is.

I created something I call “High Road / Low Road”. The application is more for me than her. It requires me to control myself and be self-aware. If I am on the High Road it means I’m prepared to hear a pile of absolute nonsense AND I will handle it with decorum and grace or something that resembles those things. What I will NOT do is fly off the handle. If I am on the Low Road, I will immediately get myself TO the High Road so I’m better prepared for a verbal sucker punch of some sort.

I started it out like this.

Me: From now on if you have a heavy secret* and you’re afraid to tell me the truth, ask me if I’m on the high road or the low road. If I’m on the high road, that means whatever you tell me I’m not going to freak out. If I say I’m on the high road, I’m telling the truth. If I say I’m on the low road, it means I’m not ready but I will get there.

Girly: Uhhh, sure. Whatever.

If you’ve not proven yourself to be trustworthy (yet), it’s to be expected your child won’t trust you right away.

If I could tell she was struggling with something, I would point out to her that I was on the High Road so she could tell me. For a while, I basically got choppy pieces of information and had to piece things together. (This isn’t always because there’s lying afoot, many children struggle with sequencing and recanting an event can be difficult so, be patient). She did eventually trust me though.

Me: What’s wrong?

Girly: Nothing.

Me: Obviously something is wrong.

Girly: I’m fine.

Me: I’m on the High Road. Just tell me.

Girly: [pause}

Sometime, pauses aren’t a closed door. Sometimes a pause is just a pause and you need to wait a bit.

For the first several weeks, I would point out that I was on the High Road to her in an effort to get information out of her. Then, after a while, she began approaching me asking me what road I was on.

Girly: Emmy?

Me: Yes?

Girly: What road are you on?

Me: I’m on the high road, what’s up?

This was an enormous accomplishment. She was seeking ME out to tell me something important that’s weighing her down.

Girly: Emmy?

Me: What?

Girly: What road are you on?

Me:…

Me: I’m on the Low Road. Give me a minute.

Early on, she tested me. She would ask me what road I was on and tell me things that really were not that big of a deal. There were times when she told the truth and there needed to be consequences. Once, she was in trouble at school for something and I had to go up there for a meeting. I was not pleased. I told her I needed to know everything, including the stuff she had done wrong. She was reluctant.

Me: If I got into that meeting believing you and they produce a video or something that proves you were the problem all along, I’m going to have a big problem. I want the truth, the ugly truth. I don’t care how ugly it is. You know why? I can spin the truth… I can’t spin a lie. Do not send me into that meeting with bad information. Don’t make me look like a fool. I can protect you with the truth. I can’t protect you with a lie.

She did admit to role in that event.

If your child asks what road you are on, curiosity should come to the forefront. Another thing that should be there is pride that your child has chosen to seek you out to unload a heavy secret* instead of letting it fester. This is no small thing. A kid that struggles with lying that is willing to engage and attempt to be truthful is an enormous thing and it should be seen that way.

If you’re having trouble pulling yourself together from the Low Road in a reasonable amount of time, you’ll need to sort that out. If you need professional help doing that, get some. If you need to apply some quickly calming techniques, do it. You are an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from. Your child has neither.

*I will be doing a post that explains what a heavy secret is compared to a regular secret… and the damage a heavy secret can cause.

How I Stopped Yelling (most of the time…)

| thefeatherfish

Many of us as parents and caregivers are yellers.  We know we shouldn’t yell but we do it anyway.  We feel bad about it.  We try to stop.  It isn’t easy to stop yelling if you’re a yeller. 

This is what I did instead of yelling.

I created characters with different accents.  I can do accents and different voices really well so that helps.  My first go-to character is Dolly.  Dolly is a lovely English lady.  She’s kind, calm and very nurturing.  When things start heating up, I let Dolly take over.

Dolly:  Hello, dear.

Girly:  Hi Dolly.

Dolly:  What’s wrong?

Girly:  Emmy is doing X, Y or Z.

Dolly proceeds to listen and offer support.  Dolly never gets upset with Girly, she’s very even keeled and never raises her voice.  She always looks for the calmest solution.  Sometimes I morph between the two and have a conversation with Dolly as she mediates. 

I have several other characters.

Linda is a boisterous, loud New Yorker who is very supportive of Girly.  (Think Linda from Bob’s Burgers, that’s where I got the character from).  She’s over the top with her expressions.  She’s very funny.  She’s loud and very likeable.

Solla Selew Man is an elderly man from India that’s tough and wise.  He’s very matter of fact and says it like it is.  He’s not very nurturing but he will tell you the truth and expects compliance.  He never gets angry but he does get annoyed and irritated.

Donkey is a donkey puppet and he’s been a big part of our lives for many years.  He is an orphan.  He’s one of two children characters.  He has emotional and behavioral problems but is very protective of Girly and trusts her.  Girly often has to intervene with his behavior because he’s still learning to control himself.  (He’s come a very long way though). 

Lola is a little leopard stuffed animal.  She is younger than Donkey and very shy.  She has a very quiet, whispery voice.  She has issues where she snaps and attacks people when she feels threatened and has no memory of it.  She was also abandon like Donkey was and “discovered” in the road.  She is Donkey’s younger adopted sister.  Girly often has to nurture Lola because of her age.  Donkey had a big problem when Lola showed up but now he loves his adopted sister and totally sticks up for her.  Lola seeks comfort from Girly. 

Mickey.  Mickey Mouse.  This isn’t the nice one from the cartoon, this is the real one behind the curtain.  He is very narcissistic and swears a lot.  He’s belligerent.  He’s been successful for many years in show business and expects to be treated like the star he is.  He likes Girly and he will tear into me with no hesitation.  He expects full compliance or he will send his team of attorneys after me and he has on occasion threatened me with physical violence if I don’t pull myself together.  He’s totally in the wrong a whole lot of the time and Girly has to calm him down (or even stick up for me).

It’s pretty hard to stay angry when you’re swearing in a Mickey Mouse voice or pretending to argue with him.

Dolly is the best at mediation and she is the one I used the most.  She’s the best example of emotionally regulated adult behavior and when I’m in character, I actually feel like I’m getting a break. 

These characters were all developed over time.  I turned them into different people with different strengths and weaknesses.  I have no idea why pretending to be a nice English lady would totally make me feel like I was getting a legitimate break but, it did.  And Girly trusted those characters, she would totally listen to them. 

Dolly not only helped Girly, she helped me out of some pretty tight spots when I couldn’t shut my mouth. 

Maybe, Dolly can do it for you too. 

Chair-Thrower

| thefeatherfish

Chair-Thrower is one of the words I’ve used to describe the child I’m sharing my life with.  It provides a pretty good visual, I think.  It isn’t meant to be derogatory.   It isn’t meant to be negative.  It is meant to be a conjure up a picture in your head of a young child throwing a chair — for what is possibly a pretty good reason. 

Chair throwing isn’t a desirable activity. I don’t think anyone sets out to become a chair thrower. I don’t think any child wakes up and says, “I’m going to throw a chair at school today”.

But it happens.  On some days, chairs are thrown. 

If you tell someone you have a child with trauma, or an attachment disorder, or, or, or… if they aren’t living in this world they don’t really know what this life looks like.  If you say “chair thrower” they seem to automatically know what you mean. 

While Chair-Throwers are generally pretty challenging, they are also extremely honest. Their behavior is brutally raw. Whatever is inside, comes outside. They can’t control it. They don’t have the life experience, skills or neurological wiring to be anything else than what they are in any given moment.

And they can be amazing teachers.