When Girly was about 8 or 9 she was invited to a birthday party down the street. She asked to go. I said no. She protested.

Me: State your case.

Girly: I’ve been good, I did X and Y. I really want to go!

I had no solid counter argument. My gut said it was a bad idea but her argument was solid. I let her go. We keep a box of gifts at the ready. I wrapped one up and off she went. She was happy as hell.

About 30 minutes later she and a few other kids were playing in the front yard. She was obviously bumpy. I called her over.

Me: Are you okay?

Girly [avoiding eye contact]: Yes.

Me: You don’t seem okay, do you need a minute?

Girly [still avoiding eye contact]: No.

Me: Okay, well you need to come inside in about 10 minutes so leave things on a good note.

I knew the very act of making an inquiry about how she was feeling might be enough of a redirection for her to check in with herself and calm her down at least a little. I also knew something happened because, I can always tell.

Ten minutes later she comes inside without an argument. I immediately put her in the shower (to settle down the ole limbic system). I made a couple light inquires but she shut me down so I waited until she was ready.

Later than evening we were watching TV. Out of the blue she offered a clue.

Girly: They sang the birthday song.

The traditional birthday song has long been a trigger that produces a profound emotional response.

Me: OMG what did you do?

Girly: I wanted to smash the cake and break things but I didn’t.

Me: You held it together! That’s amazing! I should have known they’d sing that song, I’m so sorry I didn’t think of it.

Then, an important last question to tie it all together.

Me: If you had it to do over again, would you go?

Girly: No.

Not every battle is worth winning, not every battle is worth fighting and knowing when not to fight takes practice. Seeing the bright side of a loss can be a very valuable thing. This event was chocked full of valuable learning experiences. Nothing got ruined, no one was injured, she got what she argued for and dealt with the disappointment. She was so excited to go, so elevated. When they started singing the song I can imagine how that felt for her… and then the grappling with holding herself together (which she successfully did). She even came to the realization she’d not do it over the same way if she could.

There are times NO is the appropriate response but there are also times I allow Girly to argue her case. Sometimes she’s successful, sometimes she isn’t. I’m allowed to argue my case too and since I respect her and listen to her side, she usually affords me the same level of respect. Sometimes there’s a compromise. Sometimes I successfully argue my case so well she sees my point. Sometimes she’s pissed off and still wants something but she can’t have it. Since she argues her case successfully at times, I remind her of that so she’s not slumping around whining she never gets her way or snapping at me. Maybe she slumps around it snaps at me anyway. Being disappointed sucks. I acknowledge that and tell her it’s okay to be pissed off. I’m an adult with a fully formed brain and have a plethora of life experiences to draw from. I’ve been disappointed and pissed off a lot. It definitely sucks.

Allowing Girly to state her case built trust. It helped her learn how to verbalize her feelings, organize thoughts, hone sequencing skills and consider aspects of a situation she’d otherwise not considered. I don’t want to just control her, I want her to make good decisions. I don’t want her headed toward something with tunnel vision, I want her to be able to consider many aspects of a situation.

When she was about 7, there was advertisement on TV for these little plastic ice cream cones that make “real ice cream”.

Girly: I want that!

Me: No.

Girly: but it is only $14.99!

Me: Plus shipping. They won’t even work.

Girly: Please?!

Me:…

Girly [hope in her eyes]

Me: State your case.

Girly: I did X all week, I didn’t do Y or Z and I really really want it.

Me: Okay, fine. But I’m telling you, these aren’t going to work like the say they do but, you win. I’ll order them right now.

I filled out an online form. Shipping was like $8.00. I told her so, she was still excited about getting those plastic ice cream cones.

A day or so later, I get a notification that when I purchased them, there was some sort of service I’d been automatically enrolled in with a monthly fee on my credit card. I showed her. I unenrolled and it didn’t cost me anything but I pointed out if I hadn’t seen that text, they could have charged my card $13.99 (or whatever) for months before I noticed.

About a week later, the cones arrived. I had all the ingredients to make ice cream. We put cream, sugar, salt, ice into the little cones — and each started shaking one.

Me [shake shake shake]

Girly [shake shake shake]

Girly: My arm is getting tired.

Me: Mine too.

We kept shaking and shaking and shaking. Finally, we couldn’t shake any longer so we decided to eat the ice cream.

It was a soupy mess and only produced MAYBE half a cup. We took a couple bites (probably because that’s all there was).

Girly was disappointed but I explained how advertising works. How many items and services are a scam. How things are presented in a much better light then they deserve. She felt fooled but I didn’t want her to feel stupid for falling for a sophisticated system specifically designed to make money. I’m sure many adults bought the product too thinking it would be cute and fun — and ended up with the same results we did.

From then on, when she’d see an advertisement for a product she thought looked great, we discussed it. I would read reviews online. I would search for a similar product that was better quality (and often cheaper) and sometimes I agreed the product advertised WAS cool and even a good deal.

Recently she’d been pestering me about getting some of those water balloons on a stick, the ones you can fill like 20 at a time from a spigot. I let her state her case and she won. She used her own money at the grocery store, I tried to talk her out of it citing the price — she wouldn’t budge. She was committed and had been wanting them for a long time.

The bulk of the time spent with the balloons was picking up the popped / deflated ones and putting them in a garbage bag. (Something that took me three days to get her to finish).

That first package, she filled them all because two friends said they were coming over. She was so excited — but they never arrived. We popped them together. She was super disappointed. I felt bad for her so I bought her a big pack online (for a fraction of the price she paid). A couple days later, her friends finally showed up and they had fun with them. (And then it took another 3 days to get her to pick up all the dead balloons).

Does she want more of them? She certainly hasn’t asked for more and I think we have two more batches somewhere. They are cute and fun to throw around on a hot day but most of the time is spent picking up trash. They really aren’t worth the trouble… especially if they end up in the stomach of a bird. The plastic waste is ridiculous.

I don’t regret any of the times Girly has won when she stated her case regardless of the outcome. I like having lively debates with her. If things turn out predictably bad, I don’t gloat or do the whole “I told you so” thing. I ask her if she had it to do over, would she do it again? If she says yes or no, those are both great answers.