Asking my little girl why she did something or what she was feeling wasn’t a very useful activity on my part.  She wasn’t purposely being difficult or withholding information but it certainly could be (and often was) perceived that way.  The reality was, she didn’t know how to answer those kinds of questions.  She simply didn’t have the vocabulary or understanding to string a bunch of words together into a coherent verbal response. 

I am an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences.  I know what anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, jealousy and a host of other emotions feel like and I can appropriately label them.  Not all kids can do that.  During early development, NO child can do it.   It’s a learned thing that becomes a skill and it takes practice. 

There’s a good reason many doctors use a chart with faces to ask children how they are feeling. 

What she COULD tell me was “where” she felt something in her body.  She could articulate that she felt things in her stomach  She could say “my chest” or point to it.  Stomach and chest were the most common but sometimes her answer was her neck or head.  Knowing “where” she felt something was helpful but I didn’t know where to go from there to help her process feelings that were seemingly “stuck” in her body.  

I created a color chart and put it on the refrigerator.  Heavy paper, acrylic paint, wide horizontal lines.  Each color represented a feeling.  It was a spectrum.  She chose what color goes with which feeling. The happiest color went on top, the unhappiest color at the bottom.  We each had our own little magnet.  A few times a day, we’d go to the chart and put our magnet on a corresponding color that matched our feeling.  Looking at the chart, I would think about it and articulate my thoughts aloud.

Me:  I don’t know, I think I’m a blue but maybe I’m closer to a green.

Then, I’d place my magnet on green.  After a while, I found myself putting my magnet on the line between two colors almost all of the time. 

I would ask Girly what color she was or she would simply offer it up (after we were using it for a while).  There were many times she’d announce she was a yellow or pink, place the magnet but it was obviously she was definitely not that high up on the chart. 

Me:  Are you SURE you’re yellow?  You don’t seem yellow. 

She would think about it and then move her magnet to a lower color that seemed accurate.  There were times I’d be in the kitchen and she’d wander up to the chart and slap the magnet on a darker color.  I would stop what I was doing and make an inquiry.  Asking her, “What’s wrong?” never got me anywhere.  A typical inquiry was a usually a waste of time so I changed my approach.

Me:  Oh, you’re at the bottom.  How can we get you up to at least a green? 

Choosing a color that matches a feeling is a very simple activity.  It’s so simplistic it almost seems pointless but it was actually pretty helpful.  It was also very easy to use the color chart.  Choosing a color that matched her feeling helped her identify and directly confront a feeling.  Asking her what could be done to move her up higher on the chart gave her a goal.  Very often the very act of checking in with herself emotionally was enough to bump that magnet up a color or two.  I made sure I modeled the behavior I wanted to see by using the chart.  After a while, I found her joining me in colors that she wasn’t feeling.     

Me:  Ugh, I am totally at black right now and I don’t even know why. 

Me:  [moving magnet to black]

Me:  What color are you right now?

Girly: I’m black too.

Me:  Hmm.  Are you sure?   

Girly: [moves magnet up to green]

Talking about feelings acknowledges them, assigning them a color that can move seemed to give Girly a sense of power over them.  The color being on the “outside” created a distance that kind of defanged harsher emotions.  I could have used something other than colors. I could have used weather patterns, numbers, animals, or even that standard pain chart with the faces some doctors use.  I picked colors because I have a lot of painting supplies and making it was something we could do together.    

I think it was really important that I used the chart with her rather than just expecting her to use it by herself.  I had my dad make me a couple of color charts that were big magnets and gave them to a few people.  I made sure I included a little magnet for everyone that lived in the home and encouraged them all (including the adults) to use the chart, not just the children.  I did feel silly using the chart at first but it really did help open to door to identifying, discussing and processing feelings. 

The color chart is still on our refrigerator.  The corners dog-eared, the sides word and curled with a few rips.  We haven’t used it in a long time but it still there if we need it.