While it seems like a silly, flippant question, it became a staple in our life. The question caused an answer and that answer was a clue. A peek inside the head of a child that did the weirdest, most impulsive things.

Her first attempt at Kindergarten produced so many suspensions I quit counting half way through the year. It was hands down the worst year we’ve had together. When I think about how hard it was for me (an adult with a fully formed brain and a plethora of life experiences to draw from), I can only imagine how hard it was for her (an early five that spent the bulk of her life being bounced around and neglected with mostly negative life experiences to draw from and definitely didn’t have a fully formed brain).

After she’d attack another child, try to run off, destroy something I started asking her what, if anything, would she do differently if she could.

For a long time she responded with a shrug.

“I don’t know!” is sometimes a valid, truthful answer. Choices only exist if you know you have some. For a kid in chaos and crisis, choices aren’t readily available — until they are.

She needed choices. A Behavior Plan came later (after I hired an educational advocate). I was trauma / SpEd ignorant at the beginning of our journey and the school district was definitely not very helpful at first but she still needed help so I did the best I could.

She was ALWAYS hitting and touching other kids. She was ALWAYS in trouble for hitting or poking or slapping someone. I spent weary hours running my hole about her behavior.

Everyone: You can’t hit!

Then, I get a call from the school. She choked a little girl. Everyone was all freaked out. She was suspended, again, for a while. She went over the line.

I was droning on giving her yet another one of my useless lectures and she made her defense.

Girly: I didn’t hit her!!

Me: You wanted to hit her?

Girly: Yes! But I didn’t!

I couldn’t argue with that. The whole adult world had been bitching at her about not hitting and — she didn’t do it. She consciously opted for something else (unfortunately for her, it was worse). But, it told me she was listening. Hell, she was actually successful.

She needed choices to replace aggression toward others. These were the choices I gave her.

1. Ask for help.

2. Walk away.

3. Both.

That’s a long list for a young, traumatized child that doesn’t trust anyone so it was crucial if she DID opt for one of these things, it paid off for her. I strongly urged her to NEVER choke anyone ever again and if she had to hit someone, aim for a shoulder or thigh. Something meaty. With restrained force. I really pushed hitting as an absolute last option (unless it was in defense — but for her, she was always on defense so that was a mucky place for her all the way around).

When something popped off, I asked her what she could have done differently.

Girly: Ask for help.

She didn’t start applying it right away but at least she had an answer now. There was something else in her head besides “hit”.

A 8 y/o girl stabs her toddler sister in the neck with a sharp toy. The toddler screams alerting mom. What could you have done differently? “Covered her face so mom didn’t hear her scream”.

A 12 y/o male has killed a few chickens. What could you have done differently? “Made it look like a coyote killed them”.

A 7 y/o female has attempted to drown her younger sibling in the pool. What could you have done differently? “Tied a rock to her”.

If a kid like Girly was left to figure out on her own what else she could have done differently, those are the sort of answers she’d of come up with eventually.

She did start asking for help and walking away. We identified a few adults she could trust and those were her go to adults at school. We also helped her identify when she was getting wobbly and to ask for help before trouble was afoot. A child on the verge of crisis often looks any normal child — but once the fuse has burned away, those two kinds of children look completely different.

Once Girly had available choices and once those choices led to success, she got better at asking for help. The trick is to make sure the adults with the fully formed brains actually provide the help that’s requested.

The great side-effect when this works is it builds trust. And trust leads to leverage. Leverage is really helpful. I never had a jot of leverage over Girly until I earned her trust and it all started with me giving her choices — and ensuring she received help when she asked for it.